Dear Moneyist,
I have been engaged for two years to a guy 10 years my senior. I am 60. I still work and due to the fact that he lives far from my workplace, we do not live together. I see him every weekend. He always asks me to me to retire and says that he would support me. I have very little money saved for my retirement as I am a single mom of three kids. This year my youngest would be graduating, but I have huge credit-card debts.
My fiancé has money and has no kids. He is estranged from his brother and sister; they live on the other side of the country. They have not communicated for almost two decades, but his siblings are set to inherit everything that he has. To my knowledge, that’s $5 million. He has no debt and lives in a house fully paid for. We have been together for at least 10 years. I have taken care of him as he is a hypochondriac.
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I do not want to quit as I want to be productive and, besides, he lives far away and that would mean I will be far from my children and grandchildren. Years ago, he was into buying a house near my workplace so we can be together, but that never happened. He told me he will only change his will and take care of me financially if I am with him full-time. I am not that healthy either and the drive to work every day would be too much for me.
I love him, but aside from going to the grocery store we do not go anywhere. I cannot cook in his house as he does not like the smell, so we eat processed food. I do not clean as he has cleaning people. I cannot do gardening as he has gardeners. Literally, we just sit on the patio the whole day. If I was after the financial gain, I would just put up with him and I know his money would help my kids a lot.
I do not want to leave him as I know he absolutely has nobody in his life except me. He has no friends either. My question is: Since I have been in a relationship with him for at least 10 years and I have taken care of him, am I entitled even a tiny bit of his assets? His siblings are well off and he does not care a bit about them. When he emailed them that he had cancer years ago, nobody even replied or asked how he is.
And yet they will get everything. How about me? I have spent all my weekends and some weekdays with him for so many years and if something would happen to him now he told me to just call his brother, who is the executor of his will. So I will just walk away — and that’s it. I feel it is not fair to me. I love him and I know he loves me more but he wants to use his money to somehow buy me out from working.
Please help me and tell me if I should quit working or not.
Confused in L.A.
Dear Confused,
On the one hand, this illustrates the problem of long-distance relationships when there’s a standoff on who should move. It seems like you have the work and family commitments in your home town and, while your fiancé is entitled to live where he wants to live, there appears to be very little flexibility. You could compromise and choose a town halfway between your current residence, or you could split your time between the two places, or you could find a job halfway between the two towns (keeping in mind that good jobs are, indeed, hard to find).
On the other hand, his leverage in this situation all comes down to money. He is the one calling the shots because he is financially independent. You’re not alone. Women are only paid more than men in some six municipalities and one county in the U.S., according to a recent analysis of 2,700 locations with more than 10,000 workers. The reason is depressing: Many of the women in these locations are living with low-wage male workers, many of whom are undocumented immigrants, which lowers the median wage for men. In other words, they’re still poorly paid.
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Times are changing — at a glacial pace. An increasing number of women are paying alimony to their husbands, according to a recent survey of 1,650 lawyers by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. More than half (54%) of the attorneys surveyed say they have witnessed a rise in the number of mothers paying child support over the last three years, and 45% said more women are paying alimony. Alas, women still get paid 83 cents on the dollar compared to men and are more likely to take time out from their careers to raise their kids.
Where does that leave you? With a difficult choice to make. And it’s not a choice that I can make for you. No, you are not entitled to his assets. You say you love him, but then you list all the things that make him inflexible, at best, and controlling, at worst. But do you love him enough? Marrying him for financial security is not a reason to marry him or anyone else. Staying with him for financial security and asking him to change his will to include you for even a lesser share of his estate also seems like a compromise that would erode your self-esteem and spirit.
Only you can say whether you love him enough. But I will leave you with this final word: The Moneyist says money should not be the deciding factor.
Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).
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