Dear Moneyist,
My mom died in January 2018 and deeded her house to me and four siblings (she disinherited my fifth sibling). She also named me executor of her will.
My sister, who has been living in that home for 20 years without ever paying rent, is aware that we — the other 4 siblings — are planning to put the house on the market and share the proceeds (it will sell for at least $600,000).
When we told her that, her response was, “Where am I going to go? What am I going to do?” She has a history of drug/alcohol abuse and went to rehab about eight years ago followed by one month in a psychiatric facility where the diagnosis was major depressive disorder. I know that she is not drinking or using opioids again, but she’s also stopped seeing a therapist or taking antidepressants.
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She’s not taking care of herself. She showers infrequently, eats poorly, smokes heavily, and watches junk TV all day long, and has cut herself off from friends and family.
I have to add that my lawyer advised me to see if my mom named me a joint owner on any of her bank accounts. Turns out my mom did, and I closed that account. My sister just told me that it was her money and that I stole it from her and that’s all the money she has.
I told her repeatedly that everything she said is not true: I was legally entitled to close mom’s account and she has plenty of other sources of revenue: She is a beneficiary to my Mom’s Fidelity IRA and individual accounts; I even walked her through the Fidelity forms to get these funds, but she told me she hasn’t returned the paperwork because she doesn’t know where to sign!
I also told her my mom has a Chase JPM, -2.71% account and she’s joint owner of that and she’s probably a joint owner of any other Citi C, -1.55% accounts my mom had. She kept repeating that I was a thief who stole all her money and then hung up on me.
My siblings and I appreciate that she is not well, but we also want to move ahead with selling the house. What can we do if she continues to be uncooperative?
Sister
Dear Sister,
I’m sorry you’re going through such an ordeal. But you are right to figure out a road map sooner rather than later. If your sister is financially irresponsible, your mother was right not to have a joint bank account with her. It would have opened your mother up to bad debts, overdrafts and liens if your sister racked up debt when your mother was alive. In this case, however, it sounds like your mother made a smart decision.
Proceeds from life insurance policies don’t pass through probate. As far as your mother’s estate is concerned, consult an estate attorney: Protect your mother’s inheritance and ensure that her estate is divided equally and fairly, and help your sister become somewhat independent. The former may also require you to put your sister’s share in a trust that enables her to draw an income and live independently without plundering it and becoming destitute and/or dependent on her family long-term.
To ensure things run as smoothly as possible, tell your sister ahead of time of your intentions. Mental illness and substance abuse often go hand-in-hand. Tough love rather than nasty surprises, and boundaries rather than brouhaha are the best combination. Given that your sister has a dual diagnosis — addiction and mental health issues — the trust could include money to be used only for counseling sessions, and also give your sister a reason to seek support. This will be an emotional and perilous time for her.
Also see: My sister has devoted 15 years to helping our parents — how can I ever repay her?
Attorney Jonathan Dunn at the law offices of Blake & Associates in Boston, Mass. says, “The criteria the courts look at to determine if someone lacks capacity are (1) a clinically diagnosed condition, (2) that results in an inability to receive and evaluate information or make and communicate decisions, (3) to such an extent that the person lacks the ability to meet essential requirements for physical health, safety, or self-care, (4) even with appropriate technological assistance.” Your sister may or may not meet those requirements.
The Moneyist Facebook Group also weighed in on your dilemma. There were a lot of impassioned and valuable insights and opinions, many of which were fueled by people’s own experiences with a relative who is mentally ill or has/had substance abuse problems. One member, who has a brother in a similar situation to your sister, wrote, “We were lucky that we had enough assets so that my brother now owns the family home and the rest of us received an equal share of the estate in cash.” Another added, “Parents don’t always see the severity of a child’s mental illness.”
That may explain why you have a lot of work to do now, given that just a few of the plans we have discussed in this correspondence were specified in your mother’s will. That has added to your dilemma. In the meantime, tell your sister, “We all have a lot of work to do to sort our mother’s estate. And we all need to support one another, be willing to compromise and help.” You can endeavor to move through this process calmly and politely, with the support of your attorney and other family members, even if your sister is unable to do so.
Read also: My wife and I want to have a second child — is this a good time to buy a new house?
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