Dear Moneyist,
I’d like to address the question of dividing an estate among children when one child has done so much more for the parents than the others — and I’m speaking from the standpoint of the child who has done less.
The consensus among your readers and other advisers seems to be that the estate should be divided evenly among the children, but I think everyone would agree that the estate’s debts should be paid before the beneficiaries receive their distributions.
My sister took care of both parents for over 10 years and continues to take care of my 90-year-old mother, for an additional five years.
This is what I believe to be objective accounting:
My parents own an apartment that rents out for $950 per month including utilities. My sister lives in their house and her lack of privacy should be worth a deep discount, but let’s just say her cost of lodging and utilities should be equivalent to the full apartment rent. Let’s say her food, clothing and living expenses cost about $400 per month, so we’re looking at $16,200 per year that some might say she “owes” our parents.
Now we need to look at the cost of the services she provides. She cooks three meals a day that meet medical/dietary requirements. While my dad was alive, that meant two different meals because of their different health issues. My sister took classes to learn what their dietary needs were. The food is always prepared from fresh ingredients and is flavorful and attractive.
My father’s medications caused many of his favorite foods to become unappetizing to him and I have seen days when she has prepared as many as 5 or 6 different dishes trying to find something that he would enjoy.
She keeps their house clean and does their laundry. She makes sure that they are well groomed. She takes them to all of their medical appointments and participates in the appointments, so that at any time she can tell you the results of any tests that they’ve had and what the results mean in terms of their short-term and long-term health. She administers all of their medications. She monitors them closely so that if something starts to go wrong, they get immediate medical treatment before the situation becomes a crisis.
She makes sure they are entertained and stimulated. If they want a special treat, a book or a new pair of slippers, she gets whatever they want. If they just want to get out of the house, she loads up the transport chair or wheelchair and takes them for a ride, or to a coffee shop, or wherever. Mostly, my parents are sweet loving people, but being too old to drive and losing your physical abilities isn’t fun. So when they get frustrated or angry, she is the one who bears the brunt.
Costs vary a lot by location, but among my friends who have to pay someone to care for a parent the lowest cost anyone has found is $20 per hour. For two parents, the lowest cost has been $30 per hour. If you’re really lucky, you can find someone who will drop their rate to $10 per hour while they sleep. So, assuming that she sleeps 8 hours per night (she doesn’t) and not allowing the full hourly rate on the many nights she has spent in the ER or hospital with my dad, we would be looking at a cost of $560 a day, or over $200,000 per year, at a minimum.
But that kind of money wouldn’t buy the quality of care that she gives or that I would want them to have. Two of my friends have “bought” that level of care for their parents in assisted living facilities, with a $375,000 buy-in plus monthly fees over $3,000 at one facility and $500,000 plus monthly fees of $6,000 at the other.
Then there is the cost of medical transportation. In our area it’s at least $100 to pay for one round trip to a doctor’s appointment. The $16,200 of value that my sister is getting each year pales in comparison to these costs.
So what have I done? I’ve had the freedom to work hard at my job, get promotions and earn money, save for retirement, take vacations, enjoy my children. I paid for renovations to make my parents’ home fully compliant with the American with Disabilities Act. I take my sister to lunch or to a movie on the rare occasion when she will ask a friend to stay with my parents.
I cover some costs for her and give her nice birthday and Christmas gifts. What I do is a drop in the bucket compared to what she does, but my parents and I would both be miserable if I were in my sister’s place because I’m just not as pleasant a person as she is. When my mom finally passes away, my sister will deserve to continue living in their house, to have every penny in their bank accounts, to keep every memento, every piece of furniture. And with that, she still won’t be compensated for all of the value she has given.
Ruth
Dear Ruth,
When I came to the end of your letter, I was ready for the question. I couldn’t figure out if you were accounting for all your sister has done for your parents to see how you should divide up their estate, piece-by-piece. I couldn’t tell if you were bean-counting in order to come to some kind of final arrangement over your parents’ estate, or whether you were recalling all she has done because you were, frankly, in awe of her dedication.
And then? There was no question. It was just a statement of everything she has done and an acknowledgment of the lost opportunity. Your sister made a choice to be there for your parents and spend as much time with them as possible and, yes, devote her adult life to their care. From what you say, she seems up to the task and well suited to it, too. I only hope that it has proven as rewarding as it has been difficult. I hope your sister is happy.
Your letter ended, not with a question, but with a statement. You write that you could never repay her for all she has done, not if she inherited the whole kit and caboodle. That’s wise of you and, if I understand the nature of your letter correctly, it’s also very magnanimous. I do believe in situations like this that the adult carer should be allowed to live in the family home after his/her parents pass away, at the very least. Ideally, inherit it.
This is a letter borne not from want, but from gratitude. You have a deep appreciation of your sister’s sacrifice. I recently received a letter from the other sister in a situation very similar to yours. She wanted to know whether her father should leave her estate to her, rather than her sister. It wasn’t an unfair question, but here we are with the other sister (from a different family) saying she could never do enough to repay her sister for what she has done.
I’ll tell you what I told her. More than 43.5 million adults in the U.S. have provided unpaid care to an adult or a child within the prior 12 months. Some 60% of care givers are female and the average age is 49. The “cost impact” of care giving is around $324,044 for a woman. It’s a billion-dollar commitment: The total estimated aggregate lost wages, pension, and social security benefits of these care givers of parents are nearly $3 trillion.
So I chose to answer your letter-without-a-question so I can tell you to make sure that your mother has a will that specifically includes your sister and leaves her everything, if that is your wish and, importantly, your mother’s wish. There may be items of sentimental value that you would like too, and you could discuss that with your family. I also wanted to say something to you for writing this letter, something that your sister, I hope, has heard many times over the years.
So here it goes:
Thank you.
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