Dear Moneyist,
I have lived in Florida for over 50 years, mostly in the same location. Over 15 years ago, I entered into a verbal agreement with my father. The agreement: If I stayed and took care of my mother and father, I would have first option to buy my parents’ house when they passed away. The house is very special to me as it is the only other home I have known. I currently live in the duplex next door to this house.
Since 2003, I have remained where I was, taking care of my parents. While they were able to take care of themselves, I only took care of the house and yard. As they got older, my duties increased to doing laundry, cooking, taking them to appointments, and overseeing anything else that needed to be done.
I stayed in very bad, abusive jobs to uphold my end of this verbal agreement. I would at times express to my father my concerns that the jobs I had were not going to be enough to buy the house, which has a market value of over $300,000. His response was always the same: “Don’t worry, when your mother and I are gone, there will be more than enough money for you to buy this house.”
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My mother passed away before my father. I continue to take care of my father, now in his mid 90’s. I clean his house, cook for him, take care of his yard, laundry, and do all his shopping. I used to do this for free, but suddenly in 2015, he started to give me monthly checks. I never asked for this money, he simply said it was “to help me out.” I had recently lost my job of 12 years and was having trouble finding a full-time job.
In November 2016, my father informed me one night, sitting at the dinner table, that I was not going to get the house and that it was going to my older brother. I was given no explanation for this sudden change and was told “to get over it.” At that point, I started to see his monthly checks as a “pay off.” I started putting them in a separate bank account and never touched the money again.
I continued to do all the same work I have done for my parents over the past 15 years.
A few months ago, I told my father I did not want his checks anymore. I told him I did the work I did because I loved the house and I was his daughter. So the checks stopped. I feel like I was lied to and manipulated by the last person I ever imagined it from. I would like to know if there is anything I can do to make my father honor our verbal agreement?
Daughter in Florida
Dear Daughter,
This is a tale where there are no winners — except your brother, I suppose. I’m sorry it turned out like this. Given that you were writing to this column, I could see that this tenuous arrangement was not going to go in your favor. Your father did and said enough to keep you close by and, when the time came, he told you so without regret, explanation or apology. Even one of those things would have been welcome (starting with the last one).
This is a tricky situation. You are bringing other issues to the table, like working low-paid, unhappy jobs. I see why you endured those jobs. You thought it was long-term pain for longer-term gain and, while it’s difficult for millions of Americans to find a job that pays well, I don’t believe you can blame your father for having to endure these abusive bosses. And, yes, the writing was on the wall when he started paying you for the time you spend taking care of him.
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You were caught in a financial/emotional bind, rather than a legal contract. Oral contracts are not valid in the state of Florida when they involve buying real estate or even home renovations. They’re also not binding for contracts over $500, those that cannot be fulfilled within one year and verbal agreements related to health care and paying off somebody else’s debt. Even if they were enforceable, you’d still have an uphill battle proving there was an agreement.
For what it’s worth, I agree with you. It seems like your father didn’t want to fulfill his promise to you, at least from the moment he began giving you those checks. You’re left with three choices: (i) do nothing and live your life and continue to take care of your father (with the help of your brother), (ii) say nothing and tell your father to use the money to help pay for home help or (iii) tell your father what you told me and then decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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This isn’t the first time I’ve received a letter about a father who has decided to be less than equitable in the distribution of his assets. You’re not alone. Tell him you’re disappointed that he reneged on his promise, especially after so many years and ask him why. In situations like these, rather than make accusations and tell him all the sacrifices you’ve made — as I said, it’s your life and they were your sacrifices to make — it’s better to be explain that you feel hurt and ask questions.
Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).
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