Dear Moneyist,
After my divorce I rented a studio apartment for two years or so. My dad asked me several times to come live with him and I thought because he has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease he would likely need help. I rented his in-law’s apartment. My dad got bladder and lung cancer.
While living there I did the upkeep on house and cut grass and removed snow even while paying rent. Before he needed physical help, I was offered a job and accepted it with a starting salary of $1,360 a week, a yearly bonus $10,000, plus more based on performance. It also had a matching 401(k) plan with health and injury insurance.
I was extremely excited to tell my dad and I did once I got home. About 10 to 15 minutes later my dad asked me not to take the job because he knew he was going to need a lot help. It took me less than a minute to say yes to him because I loved him and he and my deceased mother always helped myself and my brother and especially my sister.
I do everything for him, including washing him from head to toe and dressing him, feeding and making sure he gets all his medication, including morphine. We have a wheelchair, but I have been doing small exercises with him and he can walk about 20 feet which is amazing considering everything. I receive $200 a month for food through the state and health insurance.
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He acts like he has Alzheimer’s. I am not patting myself on the back, but I can show you at least two doctors reports where they say how knowledgeable I am and how I’m a wonderful son to my dad.
His will was drawn up by both my mother and father. It splits the house ($850,000) evenly between the family members after my mother passes, and cash and other assets are to be split 50% to my sister, 30% to me and 20% to my brother. My sister is executor and is extremely money hungry. She hounded my mum and dad for $200,000 of mom’s jewelry. She sold one diamond ring for a vacation home in South Carolina.
Both my brother and sister work and my sister’s income is around $80,000 per year and her husband earns a similar amount. My brother earns around $150,000 and they give me $50 a week so they don’t feel guilty I guess. I don’t have over $200 to my name. This is because my ex-wife and I put both our children through college. My son’s tuition totals $600,000 from Yale, Cornell Medical and two more years at Brown. (I took out all money from my 401(k) plans to send my children to college.)
Am I entitled to more than one-third of my parents’ estate?
Underappreciated
Dear Underappreciated,
It seems to me that, at the very least, his home and estate should be split equally between his children when he dies. It doesn’t make sense that his daughter is given preferential treatment when you are the one giving him full-time care and doing so without any compensation.
You gave up a lot and, as hard as it may be to hear, that was your choice at that time. It may be too late to change the terms of your father’s will, but it’s not too late to challenge your sister as executor of your father’s estate, especially given that you are your father’s full-time caregiver.
You can still also talk to your father’s lawyer and negotiate the terms of your care giving. You love your father; that’s true. You have given up a lot to care for him; that’s also true. You are not powerless. Talk to your father about whether you believe your sister should be executor.
I could tell you how it’s not a good idea to raid your 401(k) for your children’s education, but that’s done now. I will say that sometimes that bitterness and anger at the motives and misdeeds of other people can detract from our own role. I’m not saying you didn’t do a good, kind thing for your father, but your feelings towards your sister may prevent you from taking responsibility for the choices you made.
It’s not too late to do right by yourself and your father. Bruce Tannahill, director of estate and business planning with MassMutual, says a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease does not indicate that someone is unable to modify his or her will, but that “the general standard” for making or revising a will is that the person has full understanding of his/her property and family.
“Whether someone has the capacity to make a will is not strictly a medical determination,” he said. Obviously, you would need to consult his doctor. If your father has signs of Alzheimer’s, it is debatable whether or not he knows “the natural objects of their bounty” (his family).
Also see: Do you tip the guy who picks up your dead grandfather’s medical equipment?
Changing your father’s will to leave you more money is risky and could open you up to litigation from your brother and sister. “It might very well lead the brother and sister to file a will contest alleging the caretaker son exercised undue influence over their father,” Tannahill said.
In the meantime, document the time and value of your services. You have one thing in your favor: You gave up a job because your father asked him to. Tannahill said this may have created “a unilateral contract” for payment of the reasonable value of your services.
Another avenue: You could claim you saved your family money and that your brother and sister, as co-beneficiaries, were unjustly enriched by your work. Tannahill said their share may have been reduced by any amount that your father or his estate would have paid for your services.
You need to juggle your siblings’ sensitivities and wants with your father’s medical care and your own needs. You can put your father and yourself first. It doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game. Given the size of his estate, you shouldn’t have to suffer financially to take care of him.
As one member of the Moneyist Facebook Group wrote: “You are technically not entitled to anything. But in my book you sure as heck deserve it. If the estate isn’t going to pay you, maybe it’s time to look for another job.” Then you can all figure out the next move as a family.
Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).
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