Dear Moneyist,
My mother was married to my father for 40-plus years, but he passed away several years ago unexpectedly. During their marriage, they inherited money from both their parents. My dad gifted a lot of jewelry to my mother over the years, and my mother also made good investments.
Deciding she was too young to just be a widow, my mother found herself a new husband. Bringing considerably more in assets to her new marriage, my mother was smart and had a prenuptial agreement put into place.
My mother has now been married for a couple of years to my stepfather, and they recently each created a will. My stepfather and mother purchased their new home together, but much of the antique furnishings were handed down through my mother’s family.
My mother lives in Texas, as do I, but my two siblings live out of state. My mother recently gave each of us a copy of her new will. My siblings reached out to me as I live closest to our mother, because they are concerned about how her will was written.
We aren’t legal experts, but this is how we read it. If she passes before my stepfather, he gets all personal household effects including her jewelry and our family heirlooms. Also, her retirement accounts and other monetary assets are put in a trust for my stepfather for health and support. She named my stepfather’s oldest kid as trustee.
Once my stepfather passes, whatever remains would be divided between my mother’s three children and my stepfather’s two children (to whom he is estranged and our mother has never met).
We would like our mother to specify in her will that her jewelry prior to her new marriage will be bequeathed to us. Additionally, any furniture, fine china and paintings that were in the family prior to the new marriage be left to us.
We don’t mind her setting up a trust to ensure my stepfather has access to funds for his health and support after her passing, but we are concerned that his estranged son would be trustee and that my stepfather’s estranged kids would get a share of my mother’s assets upon my stepfather’s passing. We haven’t seen my stepfather’s will, but my mother says it is identical for the reverse situation if he passes.
We want to have a conversation with my mother to discuss our concerns, but are at a loss on where to start. As I’m the closest to my mother, should I act as spokesperson for all my siblings? Maybe set up a lunch date to discuss these things with her? Or should I try to set up a video conference with all my siblings and my mother? My sister suggested we include my stepfather for transparency, but I feel that would be too awkward.
We don’t want to seem like greedy or ungrateful kids. We are glad our mother is happy, but we’ve never met my stepfather’s children as he doesn’t have a relationship with them.
That’s what is so baffling about the way the will is written. We would really like the family items to stay in our family. I should also add that if my stepfather passes before our mother, she could live comfortably without his assets if they were to go to his children.
My stepfather didn’t bring much into the marriage. Are there other things we are overlooking in this whole scenario that we should consider before talking with our mother? How would you suggest we approach this?
Anxious daughter
D ear Anxious,
This is a very delicate situation, but keep in mind that you are talking about her money, her furniture, her jewels and, yes, her husband.
On the one hand, I see your point about precious family heirlooms possibly ending up in the hands of your stepfather’s family. On the other hand, this is your mother’s new husband and anything you say that could be construed as “it’s not fair” or have an unhappy/ungrateful undertone could backfire on both you and your siblings.
Please tread carefully to avoid your mother viewing this as her children being opportunistic about owning these personal items, rather than realistic about who would most likely appreciate them most. She is entitled to leave everything to her new husband and she may even have included these items in her prenuptial agreement.
Your observation that your mother “decided that she’s too young to just be a widow” and “found herself a new husband” makes me nervous. It may not be the kind of thing you would say to your mother’s face, but it does objectify her and her situation, and not in a good way. Let’s assume that she fell in love with her new husband and that love found her.
Frame this as a request rather than a concern or a demand. I believe you should do it yourself in person. “I wanted to talk to you about our family’s heirlooms and how it would mean so much to us if we could share them after you’re gone, as we feel very emotionally attached to them.” And ask her how she feels about that.
I agree that, if your stepfather is estranged from his children, it doesn’t make sense to have one of them as an executor of their estate. In fact, it seems odd. You may want to raise that and allow her to think it over without suggesting that one of her children take that role instead. At the very least, it should be a party with no vested interest.
This conversation should be approached cautiously and, later, with a lawyer. One on one is better, as it is a family matter and, in my opinion, a video conference call would feel more like an intervention than a request, and involving your stepfather at this early stage (when it should be a simple request) could put both your mother and stepfather on the defense.
The more detailed her prenup and will, the better. She (and you) should also be aware that the terms of her prenuptial agreement may take precedence over her will in probate court.
Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).
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